Instead of yelling, say, “I’m going to leave the room for a while, because I feel hurt about the way you are talking to me. Let’s discuss it later.” (And then make sure you do.)
When my daughter said she wanted to choose her own clothes, I could have said, “Maybe you can show me what styles you like later.”
Replace the Bad and Reinforce the Good
You can give your child explicit instructions on how to replace a bad attitude and delivery. For example, you can say, “We don’t talk like that in this family. Let’s do a retake. This is how I expect you to say it.” To turn behavior around, reinforce good behavior by saying, “I appreciate you being respectful and using the right tone.” A family mantra, such as “In our home, we respect and treat each other kindly,” can also go a long way toward instilling the proper attitude.
To reduce conflict, Dr. Borba suggests picking four or five nonnegotiable rules (such as homework before phone or you lose the phone), and posting them somewhere accessible, like on the refrigerator. If a rule is broken, “you can just point to the fridge, without even having to say a word.”
I’m still figuring out our nonnegotiable rules, but I’ve been teaching my daughter self-regulation (and practicing it myself) by doing daily meditation exercises and deep breathing together.
As the school year gets underway, my daughter is a few weeks into fifth grade with all of its tween-age pressures. She and I read this article together before publication and discussed trying to improve the way we communicate with each other. For example, now she picks out the clothes she wants online, puts them in the shopping cart, and I have final approval. Yes to the cute romper, no to the cropped, ripped T-shirt.
I’m hoping the experts’ suggestions will help us both keep our cool the next time she decides that I don’t have any.
Source : Nytimes
